Future and crying about it

So i have always been someone prone to cry when feeling emotions, i think i stopped doing that when i was a kid in the early 2000s and got told that crying was "not for boys" so of course you hold that shit in and then explode in a shit way when you go to shit, like you know, the expected.

The thing

(last year, this day, i was just driving around alone, not expecting anything)

about emotions is very funny, i used to cry only when i got very sad, or when i felt bad, so i connected it a lot to negative emotions, like if i don't cry i don't feel bad kinda thing, but nope, doesn't work that way, it's never that easy, surprisingly most stuff in humans is not binary

i feel like recently (in the last year or so) i learned and discovered how creative i am, how can i explore other areas that before i would have never ever considered before, that opened my mind, and i "blame" my boyfriend for that, like yeah, i can do it, i can learn, i can explore, and even if i suck, i can do it anyways.

so anyways... i cry a lot, i can't let my emotions inside, i feel like letting them out, crying or stuff is my way of catharsis, like idk... since my relationship and future solidified with this guy i feel my heart constantly beating hard when i see him, when i think about him, when i look at the photos and smile, yeah, sometimes a happy tear rolls down my face, and that's ok.

this is a post about nothing to be honest, but thinking about the future is great, it's fun, it's sad, it's scary for me, but also so so good

like having something to look on the horizon and say, i'm going there, not just a "i want to go there" i'm on my way there, that bring tears to my eyes too

making a blunt for my boyfriend before he arrives home, waiting him with some snacks, telling him to just take a nap 10 mins while i prepare stuff, that's life, i want that

hearing him say "im kinda scared of routines" it's also something that makes me tear up because yeah, idk how that works

i was in a relationship for like 15 years or so before and while i learned stuff, i felt like it was a ride, quick one in some ways, idk, still stuff is new

look idk i don't have all the answers, i can't read minds, but i guess that's fine, that's what i am, and if i have to discover something new every day about myself

about you

about everyone else

about how to rent an apartment

about how to fix a car

about how to move my stuff from one computer to other one

well fuck it, let's do it

crying

but i'll do it.